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Runcible Spoon

heart logo F. R. Kesby

                    High Functioning

 

High functioning means

that I can sit there and say

some days I’m so sad that I want to die

and because I put make up on that morning

it’s dismissed.

 

High functioning means

that when I say I don’t understand something

people say ‘but I thought you were, like, smart?’

rather than understand

that it’s just not the way my brain works.

 

High functioning means

that when I can’t explain why I’m upset

or why that just can’t be put there

or why we can’t just change the plans

or why that colour makes me edgy

people just assume I’m ‘awkward’.

 

High functioning means

that when I say my leg hurts so much

that sometimes I don’t trust myself near knives

lest I try to remove it, again,

people laugh

and tell me I’m so dramatic.

 

High functioning means

that when I say no I can’t do that,

no I can’t go there,

no I’m not capable of that,

no that place is inaccessible,

I’m told to stop bloody complaining all the time.

 

High functioning means

that people think it’s OK to say,

oh you don’t look depressed,

oh you don’t act autistic,

oh you don’t seem like an anxious person,

oh you don’t seem like you’re in pain,

oh but you’re not really disabled are you?

 

High functioning means

that because they don’t see it,

people assume I don’t feel it.

High functioning means

I should have been a bloody actress.